Being transgender...

...is the only minority in which 99% of the time you manifest against the wishes of your family. So it's obviously a very strong impulse, because in this heterosexist society there's not a lot of room for breaking rank. Antony (of Antony & the Johnsons)

I liked his special slant on transgenderism, for the fact that it honours how hard going against your family line can be. I'm often dismayed at how little courage I can seem to muster to make even the smallest statements that could evoke a reaction from those around me. I look in wonder at people who were utter pioneers, and endured attack or even death. I do mundane things like leave my legs (and the rest of my body) unshaven and even then I can't bear to let my bare hairy legs be on display. Social forces to me seem so strong, no matter how much I keep trying to fight them, and I'm in awe of those who flout them with gay abandon, or brave perseverance.

Antony graduated from playing nightclubs to putting on plays in more conventional spaces with his new theatre group the Johnsons. By the middle of the decade, however, "it became clear that there wasn't any support for that kind of work. Also I'd been waiting for someone to discover me, and it didn't happen. I got this one grant and I thought, 'This is my ticket out – I'm gonna make an album.'"

And I liked this mixture of creative cross-pollination and pragmatism. It speaks to things I would like to do, and also reminds me that the space may not yet be receptive to them at a certain point in time.

I came across these quotes while trying to find out what Antony meant when he said he was transgender. Did it mean he was born biologically a girl, or what? (I mean he does look quite girl-like in the photos...) But of course its the other way around - my pop culture knowledge as always is somewhat limited, as I'd never seen him sing etc. I think I'm still thrown by my experiences during the London Transgender Film Festival, where I was convinced I would know who was what etc and of course this didn't happen at all. Some of the transgender blokes were more disruptive than the men who would be hanging around outside when we left work each night - I guess I might want to enjoy taking up the airspace/physical space if I were doing the same. (but back to the lack of nerve again...)

While finding out about Antony, I also listened to CocoRosie again, and Devendra Banhart. The main thing I noticed was the preparedness to use the voice in all its tremulous glory, with the full diverse range of the instrument which made it feel like soul was speaking out, freely by having this eclectic use of the body. The CocoRosie sisters have had a hard-to-believe life, and the way they perform themselves with such arresting songs, it feels like the thing they just have to do. I admire this, I want to notice enough that pushing in myself also. Also, they would let the voices move over really quite simple backing parts, which is what I often feel to do, but then reject as it seems too simple...

'You gay?' 'Oh, I wouldn't say I was gay. I'd just say I was enchanted.' from Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown. I haven't read it but I like the title, although disenchanted is probably closer to what I feel right now.

I have been interested to note how intimately linked my own attempts at gender-selfcreation are to my relationship with my parents (surprise!), most obviously - but not only perhaps - with my mum. Within 2 hours of the painful end to a lovely and torturous 24 hr visit from said parent I had cut my hair off aiming to achieve the desired/feared short-cut, and spent £40 in the joy sale on men's clothing (ok, a cute small t-shirt picturing a candy-coloured synthesiser and an oversized turquoise boy-jumper...). It felt like an almost total reversal from female to male in a way, as I tried to shed my real mother at the same time. There is a lot I appear to hate about having the female identity foisted onto me, and a lot I may manifest internally of the male, but this doesn't go as far as how I present myself these days - perhaps spending all of my childhood looking like a boy took its toll. I'm scared. I think it will be too much. Or maybe I don't want to give up the power that comes with performing the female. Anyway my main objective was to finally go back to work and feel like I was ok, I fitted in (to its lesbian-predominant environment), and I looked like things had positively changed for me in my absence/avoidance since I left. Plus the possibility of seeing the ex-girlfriend gave it a certain heightened energy of anticipation/fear.

As before with the party last month where I deliberated for ages/was about to turn back and then when I finally arrived there was no-one there I knew (a relief! I just got on with dancing...), the party was pretty quiet by the time I got there, and although everything looked the same it felt like a completely different space to where I once had been. The first friend I met in the toilets on my arrival noted my haircut but felt that the back had been let a little long....but it was improvement on my last attempt. I could see what she meant but it kind of summed it up. My main agenda has been to stop looking like a middle-aged serious woman, and yet I can run but I can't hide... That coupled with the wall-to-wall mirror in our bar and my extra weight (which has been drawn in every curving, rolling, extra inch and then some by the drawing students) stimulated in me a degree of self-hatred which was hard to stomach.

I'm addicted to looking at myself in mirrors anyway, so there were a number of sneaky glances followed by feelings of shame. In the end I just had to turn round. The dancing was mellow and fun if I didn't think about how I thought I appeared. Girls danced, chatted, the usual ones flirted which hurt sometimes, everything seemed to be going on around me but I felt like I was not involved. I think I just have to accept that this hatred, this not fitting in, this view of myself is in my head, not out there, and no matter what I do on the external level it will continue to follow me around... I did have some lovely conversations with the ex, as usual going on into the early hours of the morning with that torn feeling of wanting to go and needing to stay. We're quite similar in some ways, and although it can quickly go downhill, it feels like there are things that we need from each other, even if they can't truly be provided... She is the only one I feel I can really talk to in fact.

The overall picture that I discovered with regard to the relationship with my parents, and the one with myself (and hence the men & women I meet) is of desire for/fear of emotional unavaibility/intellectual stimulus/domination of the self (my mother) and desire for attention that's actually present/lack of interest as things progress (my dad). And that coupled with a solitary strong will but in a group, passivity. So given I would never take the real initiative I end up flirting with men to meet my needs there, which often leads on to the something more I don't want. And questing after unavailable women who I often get to have on an intellectual/ideas or supportive level but nothing more - and I wouldn't dream of asking. Ouch.

The question now is whether training in psychotherapy and applied feminist philosophy, learning to be a music & voice teacher or doing a PhD in feminist musicology (in addition to deepening the buddhist practice) are going to best allow me to exist in the next few years given that the avenues of family, relationships and friends all seem to need a bit of space?

The good news is that in order to manifest real change, vision and realism are needed in equal measure. Letting go of our own insecurities opens the way for realization of Aquarius’ greatest desire: selfless gifting of personal talent for the betterment of all peoples around the world. This can be deeply emotionally satisfying, especially for the intense, hardworking energies of Aquarius and Capricorn. Aquarius is all about the “power of one” to change the circumstances of the many; Aquarian success comes from connecting to the needs of your generation and making your life a testament to upliftment.

And tonight I danced, just for me - in the meditation centre, to Fleetwood Mac. I flew. And drank cheap wine afterwards when I got home which was surprisingly good. During the day I had drawn pictures, led an orchestra and played the bagpipes, plus finally escaped the feeling of heavy-weighted duties and tasks for a few hours when I got home - partly by having 'completed' most of them. Now I feel drunk, tired...but so lucky.